its been a while..

Hello Blog. It's been a while since my last post. I'm 28 now. What change? Everything. Ga tau mau mulai darimana. Mungkin dari perasaanku saat ini,yang ingin kujabarkan sepanjang rel kereta. aku hancur. aku ga tau mau mulai darimana. akan ada saat aku merasa bahagia,namun kesedihan itu selalu datang menyambutku setelah aku bahagia.. hidup memang tidak selamanya mulus,tapi aku ingin merasa normal. i feel overwhelmed all the time. it sucks. who can understand a person like me,dont know why whenever i tried to share my feelings all the response i get is pity.symphaty they said. i dont feel comfortable with that. i dont need symphaty.. i tried to talk about this with my parent but the reaction is just..i dont know. its not okay. its never okay for me. i hate it. i hate this feeling. tiap pagi bangun,aku berusaha untuk melanjutkan hidup. melanjutkan hidupku yang rasanya meaningless. who will miss me when im gone? will they cry and mourn or just live the life like nothing happen.. people treat me bad. how much they look down on me.how incompetent i am as a doctor,as a human being trying to save people's live.[ ah. here i am. in my dark thoughts again. somehow i still doubt in love. am i lucky enough to have someone that love me for who i am? the last relationship i had was a disaster. toxic. i wish i never have to encounter a person like that. will the next one be the last one for me? will he understand my dark side?.. will he be okay knowing i have issues. so many issues. i have someone that i love now. i wish he never see this side of me. the crazy me. with suicidal tendencies. wish me luck.